Honestly… I’m a fraud.

Have you ever felt a true sense of pride in yourself?

Yea… I’ve never felt that.

You see, I have always felt “not good enough” or that I’m “not doing enough.” And it has honestly pushed me to my breaking point multiple times.

When I was younger I wanted to be the perfect athlete, student, and family member.

Then I met my husband and I added significant other to that list.

Got my first job… had to be the best employee.

College? Well I wanted to be at the top of my class. And that wasn’t good enough, I had to graduate with my bachelor degree by 19. Then masters… just after my 22nd birthday, unheard of right?

All of these things seemed manageable. And then… I became a mom.

From a young age I knew I wanted to do better for my kids. I didn’t have the best childhood, and I never wanted that for my kids. They would know that I broke my back to give them everything I ever wanted and more.

Little did I know how hard that would be.

Motherhood was my breaking point. And I’m still trying to learn how to cope. Every day I feel like I’m not doing good enough.

Enough for my husband. Enough for my kids. Enough for my job. Enough for me.

Is it anyone’s fault? No.

There is a constant need for me to be told that I’m doing a good job. And my poor husband suffers the most from this. He is the only person who really knows the battle I have internally every single day.

When I feel like I didn’t clean enough, didn’t make the perfect meal, didn’t perform to my liking at work… he is the one I go to. And when is it ever going to stop?

Well that’s the purpose of this post. Here is my accountability. My opening up.

Me saying…I’m going to make 2021 a more positive year.

And if you’re asking… why now?

The answer is that I’m coming to terms with the fact that something has to give.

After listening to Perfectly Hidden Depression by Margaret Rutherford, it became real to me. And I can help so many others who have the same mindset.

So stay with me, this ride is going to be bumpy. But it’ll all be uphill from here.

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